My Adoption Story – Chapter 4

The news is filled with stories of adopted children finding their birth parents; happy reunions, answered questions, families re-connected.  There are, I believe, just as many adoptees who never actually meet their birth families for one reason or another.

As I’ve said before, I’ve always known I was adopted, and for me it wasn’t a missing piece as much as it was just another facet of my life.  The part of a photo behind the frame, if you will. 

I had quite a bit of information about my birth parents; birth dates, eye and hair color, some characteristics; over the years I’ve found their address and even birth certificates.  But that doesn’t connect you with a person; it’s like reading about someone in a news article – you understand what they’re like, but you don’t really know who they are.

I began my search in earnest in 1991, although I belonged to online adoption bulletin boards for quite a few years before that.  I wrote my first letter to various adoption research companies in December of 1991; most of them were agencies and sent me forms to complete and brochures about their services. 

Through the Internet and email, I was connected with a woman who gave me a great many tips regarding my search for my birth parents.  Beverly Difani answered my questions, gave me her phone number and hand-wrote a return letter to me giving me detailed instructions on continuing the search. 

Adoption is often associated with guilt and shame; sometimes there are family members who know about the child; many times the child is a total secret.  Because of this, many birth families will not answer questions regarding adopted children – it’s better to approach them through a genealogy angle – which is a bit false, I’ll admit, but not completely off the mark.  “I’m calling to research my husband’s aunt’s daughter” gets a much better response than “I’m looking for my birth parents”.

My search in 1991 stopped for awhile due to family and other life happenings, and I started the search again in 1994.  In 1994, while watching “Oprah” (nursing a child and being home-bound with no cable); a company called “Find People Fast” was interviewed about their services.  For about $20 you could give them a name and they would send a list of all registered names in the US with addresses and phone numbers.  My total bill was $39 and I requested information on “John K Joyce” in the eastern states.  I received a report with 7 pages of “maybes” and began writing letters.

I mailed out 29 letters to addresses in Connecticut and Massachusetts during 1995 and 1995 (where my mom had said she believed they were from).  I received three back with “no forwarding” or incorrect address/recipient.  I received a hand-written reply from an Agnes Joyce Mahoney of Connecticut; no match.

I also received a listing from Bev DiFani with some information from the SSI death index and made a few phone calls to some of the “likely” matches in March of 1996.  One of the gentlemen I spoke to was “John K Joyce” living in South Orlean, Massachusetts.  My notes say that he had lived in Massachusetts all his life – his family too – and that there was no Helen living at that address.  [Based on information I have now – and the event that I relate in the next paragraph – I believe that was my birth father.  I can’t guess at the reasons he wasn’t honest about the answers to my questions, but my research and evidence shows that it was him.]

In August of 1996, I was sitting on my deck while my almost 3 year old son, James, played in the safety of our backyard.  The phone rang and I answered, thinking it was my husband or a friend calling to chat.  I can still remember the surreal feeling as the woman on the phone asked if I was the Paige Norman who had sent out letters in search of her birth family.    She also asked if I was going to ask the court to open my file and if I was still interested in information (I have notes in detail from this phone conversation). 

This unidentified woman had received one of my letters in April of 1995 and knew the people listed in the letter (John K. and Helen Adele).  She had forwarded the letter to the persons mentioned and asked that they do “what they felt was necessary”.  She was disappointed I had not heard from them; however she didn’t feel it was unusual.  She was unwilling to identify herself, other than that she knew the family and the people well.  She answered questions for me and gave me some of the most specific information I have on my birth family.

• Helen and John married in 1965; they were still married as of the call (and until his death in July 2001).
• They were both in good health
• John was born in 1927 or 1928 (my information noted 1925 -- his death certificate says 1924)
• John has a son from a previous marriage; they were not close
• John had been married twice previously
• John is Irish, but very devoutly Catholic
• Helen denies she was ever in California
• They live in Orlean, Massachusetts
• They are not “warm” people

My notes go on to relate that I believed the caller to be a sister or aunt of the family somehow.  She was sympathetic and nice but would not identify how exactly she knew John and Helen.  I felt at the time she might contact me another time, but I have never heard from her again.

I wrote a letter, addressed to Helen on my birthday in 2003.  The letter told her I wasn’t angry or hurt about the adoption; that my adoptive parents were wonderful and that I wanted to connect in hopes she would want to know about her grandchildren.  The letter was returned, unopened with the USPS notation “This address is not currently serviced for Street Delivery”.   (I seem to remember writing one other letter that was marked “Return to Sender”, but it’s not in my files).  I have recently located another address for Helen; I may try again with another letter.

My birth father passed away in July of 2001 and I have his death certificate and obituary; another treasure trove of information to research at a later date.  The death certificate provided me with his city, date and location of birth, as well as a current address and spouse at the time of death.  His obituary lists the High School he graduated from as well as his military academy and service.  My half-brother’s name and an uncle are listed as well as his widow (my birth mother).

I have also made contact with a cousin (of sorts) through a blog.  I’ll write a bit about that in my next chapter.

My Adoption Story Chapter Three

People ask me all the time if it was weird to grow up adopted.  For me, being adopted was my normal, so it wasn’t weird at all.  Until I got older, most of the adoption mystery wasn’t a big deal.  I knew my parents loved me, I knew they wanted me and I felt no bitterness or anger towards my birth parents.

As I got older, the parts of adoption that bothered me had more to do with genetics than environment.  Who did I look like?  Where did my nose come from?  Why was I so tall?  Does cancer or heart disease run in my family?  Most of those answers are taken for granted in a completely biological family unit; for an adoptee they can be a scary mystery that may never be fully answered.

Recently, I managed to find yearbook photos of Helen and John online so I know now that I resemble my birth mother a great deal.  But, I didn’t have any photos of either of them growing up; and it’s only one photo during one time of their life.  Do my boys resemble them?  I don’t think so, but it’s hard to place on one photo.

Every doctor’s office has a medical information form you complete at your first visit.  Most of the questions deal with medical history of your family.  I’ve been blessed to have proactive doctors that didn’t hesitate to check little things out and I’ve been super blessed to be a healthy person with no medical problems.  But I have no knowledge of cancer, heart disease, mental illness, diabetes or other health challenges in my family.  It’s a blank.

When I was pregnant with my first son, I told my doctor I knew my birth mother was Italian.  Women of Mediterranean descent often carry a disease called Thalassemia.  It’s a blood disorder that can cause a majority of issues including death.  Women are usually carriers and can pass it down to 1 in four of their children.  My doctor requested additional testing during my first pregnancy to establish whether I carried the genetic markers for the disease (I don’t and neither of my boys have it either).

I’ve had additional testing for heart disease, cancer screenings and diabetes.  I am blessed that I’m healthy and don’t seem to have any markers for those diseases either.

What’s weird to me?  Helen was 5’6”; John was 5’11”.  I’m just slightly over 6’ tall and both my boys are tall.  I have hazel eyes; my birth mother had blue eyes, my birth father had brown eyes; my boys have their father’s (and apparently birth-grandfather’s) eye color. 

It’s also an interesting question for me how many of my skills and talents are genetic or environmental.  My mother was a great cook; I was an okay cook until just a few years ago and then I grew to love it.  I follow recipes like my mother (a pinch or a generous) but have no fear in trying new things or experimenting with flavors; that’s something I never remember my mother doing.  I’m also drawn by taste and by desire to Italian foods.  I’d rather eat pasta than potatoes or burgers any day, hands down.  Is that genetic, or just a coincidence?

I’m also drawn to bagpipe music, which is neither Italian nor Irish.  My mother, Marjorie is half Scot (her father was born in Larkhall, Scotland), but we didn’t grow up playing bagpipe music in the house.  In fact I can’t remember hearing bagpipes until I was much older.  When I did, I very nearly wept.  I’m drawn to Celtic music and lore and dream about extended trips to Scotland and Ireland. 

It’s difficult to tell how much of “me” is defined by experience vs. environment vs. DNA.  I wonder if that’s true with non-adopted people.

My Adoption Story -- Chapter Two

February 8, 2013

Recently on Facebook there have been people posting pleas requesting help finding their birth parents online.  It seems like a bit of a desperate move to some, but when you’re searching for birth family, if it works, it works. 

I’ve known my adoption information for most of my life, so my real search hasn’t been for names or identifying information; it’s been the hopeful chance that I might actually get to meet them in real life. 

A bit of a clarification for anyone reading this:  When I say “Mom, Dad, or parents” I’m talking about the family who raised me; legally my adoptive parents.  With no disrespect or bitterness towards my birth parents, they are just that – the parents that gave me genetic and biological life.  Other adoptees may recognize their parentage in whatever fits for them.  But for me, Gordon and Marjorie are and will always be my Dad and Mom.  I will attempt to always call my birth parents by their names; as identified below.

Birth Mother:    Helen Adele (Gusmini) Joyce      “Helen”

Birth Father:      John King Joyce                              “John”

The story I was told (SOME – but not all -- of which has been verified by some research and documents I posses) is that Helen became pregnant by John prior to marriage.  Helen’s mother disapproved of John as he was Irish and divorced.  Helen had some friends that owned a “rock shop” (agates, geodes, etc.) in California; she contacted them and arranged to live with them during her pregnancy and afterwards.  These friends were mutual friends of my mom and dad (in fact, they introduced them).  They knew my parents wanted a child, but were past childbearing age (Marjorie would have been 47 when I was born; Gordon 61).  These 5 people arranged for a legal private adoption through the state of California.

I have a letter that Helen wrote to my parents just about a month before my birth thanking them for adopting me.  I am thankful that my mother kept it for me and didn’t hesitate to give it to me when I asked.  It is one of my treasured possessions that kind of began my search for my birth parents.  The letter is written by Helen but she frequently mentions “us” and “our”.  A brief excerpt:

“The reason for the note is to tell you that you both are wonderful people and to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for “you”.  Hope you donot mind my writing you for I can express myself so much better & get rather “emotional” if I were to thank you in person.”

Most Sincerely

Helen and John Joyce

Inside the envelope (with a 5 cent stamp!) are some hand-written notes from my mother, Marjorie that she received from the social worker on my case.  Apparently, the social worker left the file open on the desk and “left to use the restroom” while my mom was in her office.  From this note, I have full names, birth dates (and years), height, weight, eye and hair color, skin tone, ethnicity and religion of both birth parents.  It’s noted that Helen is a secretary and that both play piano and are athletic.

Along with my other collected documents I have the “Decree of Adoption”, various invoices and payment stubs from the legal office that handled the adoption, birth certificate for Helen and death certificate for John.  

Interestingly enough, I have the names of my father's first two wives, information that I have no where else.  It was required to list all prior marriages of both adoptive parents, as well as other information such as employment and financial history.

My adoption was formalized and recorded February 3, 1964; one day before my mother’s 48^th birthday.

My Adoption Story -- The Beginning

I don’t remember ever not knowing I was adopted.  It wasn’t a big deal, it wasn’t a small deal; it just was.  I was given up by another woman so that my mom and dad could have a child.  No secret, no drama, no surprises.

As I got older – 2^nd or 3^rd grade – kids would occasionally make fun of my adopted status.  As if it were something I should be ashamed of or could have changed.  My standard answer was always, “My parents chose me, your parents got stuck with you!” I don’t remember my parents ever coaching me to say that by the way, it just came out of my mouth.  After I said it a couple of times, kids stopped using it against me. 

Later, I asked questions about my birth parents.  My mother and father always answered them honestly and without making it a big deal.  They told me what they knew and what they didn’t.  They reminded me that they loved me and wanted me and that the decision to give me up must have been very hard for my birth mother.

I often wonder about my birth parents; I’ve researched them through genealogy and could drive to my birth mothers address.  I know my birth father is dead and I know I have a half-brother.  I know my ethnicity and some specific details about my birth parents.  I don’t really care why they chose not to “keep” me; I don’t blame them or have hurt feelings about it.  Their decision made it possible for someone else to have a child. 

I’ve spent my life not knowing my medical history or genetic markers.  I don’t know if there is a history of cancer or insanity or heart disease in my family.  I didn’t know if I resembled my mother or my father; does my half-brother look like me?  Do I have nieces and nephews?  Cousins? 

I’m going to try to write down a little bit about my adoption story as a way to put down my thoughts and maybe help others who are adopted or are thinking of giving a child up for adoption. 

There is a lot I don’t know; but there is also a lot I DO KNOW!

Family Sleuthing

One of the fun things about family history and genealogy to me is the mystery and the "who-dunnit" mentality it takes to find people.  It's also good to be able to follow rabbit trails.

One of my genealogical bucket list items this year was to find a photo of my birth parents.  Not an easy task as my birth father died in 2001 and my birth mother is still (to my knowledge) living.

Usually when I go 'hunting', I start with basics that I know: name, birth date, place of birth, spouse, parents names -- pretty much anything I have.  Sometimes you can type all that into a search engine line and get a couple of really good hits.  Sometimes you get junk.   I also go to Ancestry.com (I purchased a full subscription this last fall so that I can look up whatever I want when the urge strikes me).  Ancestry is great for some families and not so great for others.  

I've hit a road block with my birth families; I have pieces of information I've gathered from all over the Internet, but none of it really gets me anywhere with Ancestry.  I have some census records, a death certificate, some family histories; but nothing that really has given me an "EUREKA" moment!

So today, I started with my birth mother's name:  Helen Adele Gusmini, her birth date, her parents and a brother (side note -- it pays to read all the stuff you have on a name; both brothers died young so they wouldn't have been in much).  I tried the 1940 census, birth/marriage/death records, and some general records and found nothing (other than what I already had).

So, I moved to Google and typed in a series of names, etc.  I found my birth father's obituary (I have a copy saved) and re-read it.  It lists the high school he graduated from, so I tried that as a search item.

I found the 1943 Waltham High School Year book.  BINGO!!!!  It's not a very good photo (I copied it to Word) but it's pretty clear in the digital year book .  

By the way, John Joyce was married before he married Helen, and I have a half-brother.  So, I looked up to see if I could figure out who "M.W." was mentioned in the yearbook and there was only one Senior girl with those initials and she was apparently dating "J.J."  Coincidence possibly, but it gives me some fodder for future searches for my half-brother's mother. 

Most of the yearbooks are archived on the Internet (thanks to http://archive.org).  I hoped that they had attended the same High School at the same time (they are born four years apart, so it's a good guess).  Unfortunately no.  So then I looked up to see how many High Schools there are in the Somerville/Newton (Massachusetts) area and went back to archive.org.  

After a bit of trial and error, I found my mother's sister, Mary at Newton High School, 1944.  I did not have a birth year for Mary, so I didn't know if she was older or younger than Helen; but I had a birth year for Helen.  I guessed what year Helen would have graduated from High School and looked in 1945 and then 1946.

And there, in the Newton High School 1946 Year book (graduating class) was a photo of:

I also looked in 1944 and 1945; but she must not have attended there those two years because there were no other Gusmini's (except for Mary in 1944).

I'll spend some more time when I get the chance looking up photos of Mary and Helen's brothers Gerald, Richard and Louis.  Again, I have no birth years so it will be guessing.  I don't see the brothers on the 1930 census and I don't find the family at all in the 1940 census (I'll keep looking), so it will just be "luck" that I find them.   I'll also look at the yearbooks of other High Schools in the area to see if I can find them earlier.